I make mistakes.
I know this, believe me.
And you point them out to me.
But you,
You make mistakes, too.
And I understand.
I'm not perfect,
-neither are you.
And we're not always perfect together.
The smile that creeps on to my face when you around, though?
Now that's perfect!

irritated...with myself.

i have to say, i do try to learn from my mistakes. but sometimes...i really am just a special kind of idiot.

if anyone has actually read this blog, they would know that a few months ago, someone very close to me walked out of life. you know how they say that when one door closes, another one opens? this is very true!

after all that happened, someone from my past reached out to me. i have cared about this person for years, and it was amazing when they popped back in my life. they lifted my heart up, helped me get back on my feet, and really stood by me while i learned how to be myself again. i spent a few weeks with them, and it was the most fun i have had in a really long time! what a great new door that had opened for me!

yet, my dumbass slammed that door shut too. after a few weeks, i made a BIG mistake. this person reached out to me, spilled out their feelings, gave me a chance, and i shut them down. hardcore. after taking some time to sort out my thoughts and feelings, i realized i wanted to take a chance. and once i realized this, i reached out and tried to rectify my mistake. but to them, it no longer mattered. when i slammed that door shut on them, another one opened for them...and they didn't look back to me. not once. :(

i'm so irritated with myself. why can't i ever just go for it? take a chance when it's there in front of me? once again, i hesitated, got scared and let a great opportunity and person slip through the cracks. and i have no one to blame but myself. fucking sucks.

I broke us.

To be honest, I have a pattern. And not a good one...no matter how hard I try not to run, I seem to do it over and over again. I'm doing it now...and no one is stopping me this time.

I BROKE US

I always seem to say the wrong thing
I offend you, and you walk away
A fault, another 'lost one'
Words refuse to become screened in
and blocked from the wind.
I feel like an idiot.
but now I forgot what is was
That I meant to say.
Can't defend my words
out of your or my mouth
Just "a phrase"? Three words really...
no, too many words to say,
or to take away.
They broke me,
and I broke you.
I tore myself away from
the one thing
that meant
everything.




And the worst part is, I love you.

I have a new love. No, not a boyfriend! No, I am reviving my love for John Mayer. I adored him after I saw him at Riverstages years and years ago, before Room for Squares came out. Then, a show in Louisville had me hooked. But then, I have this weird thing, that when someone gets really mainstream and popular, I tend not to like them anymore. Odd? I don't know. So, I wasn't a big fan for a while. But a friend of mine recently introduced me to the John Mayer Trio, and I'm hooked! It's John Mayer, but better! And I'm in love. I listened to it non-stop today. And it's made it a grrrreat day, despite the rain in Ft. Lauderdale! :)

John Mayer Trio, TRY! ...I promise you'll love it!

YOU

If you promise to be gentle and kind
I will work on not pushing you away...but I can't make promises.

You know how I am, you know how I run.
The words you say are everything I want to hear...
...in another time and place, another day.

I'll work with you...if you stand by me.
Patience, to hold on if you can

With a minute to breathe,
I can be my whole self again

You'll see.
You'll be there with me.

:)

lately

It's been a while since I visited! There's been so much going on...Here's a taste.


The past few months have been a whirl wind! First, Whit came down for a while. Then, Missy and Brad were here for a week. The next week Susan and Chris came in from LA. We tripped it out to Memphis, met up with some friends, and explored the craziness of Beale Street. Then, I was off to BG for Easter with the Walkers. Then, there was the CMM. I only did the half, but about mile 10 I ran into an old friend, Ellen, whom I had gone through sorority rush with at UK! Crazy enough, we ran for a bit together, catching up. So random!

Then it was off to Louisville for Derby. The Kentucky derby was an experience! I loved it and I am already planning on going back next year. It was great seeing the 127B girls again, and there was the nice surprise of Boo$ and the ATL crowd all being there as well. :) Reunion reunion! After Derby is back to Nash for a bit, but then I turned around, and left to meet a friend in Atlanta to head down to Florida baby! St. George Island was a great retreat. Quiet and empty, it felt like we had our own little beach. And Zoey and Zabba were enough free entertainment to keep us occupied.

Leaving FL was hard, but this past weekend showed me it's nice to be home! Friends from Louisville and Atlanta collided again at my house and the weekend was Crrrrazy! :) Now, a few days of work, then off to ATL again for Memorial day. Awesomeness.

It's insane how once on thing starts to come together, everything else just falls into place. I feel like that's what the past 2 months have been. It just goes to show, that sometimes, things HAVE to fall apart in order to come back together. And I'm doing it. Better than I imagined! :)

Next week: ATL
30th: Muddy Buddy/Leave for FT Lauderdale with BGHS
6/6: Back to reality, but Coldplay will keep me rocking!

Dreams, contd.

Okay...

So after I wrote that last entry, I got a humorous post from a friend on facebook. Apparently, she had a dream about me back in my old neighborhood in BG. I was having a yard sale, I was pregnant, and moving back in with my parents. Grrrrreat.

So, some dreams, I would love to come true! Ashley's, however, I pray never does! :)