For Tiffany

OH CHILD OF MINE

Oh child of mine
Who never was born.
We loved you,
though we never saw you.
Your momma, your sisters, and me.
You were dear to our hearts,
and part of our lives.
You were here,
then suddenly gone.
We miss you so.

~Dad
Jan 21st, 1984

In honor of Tiffany Sue Plano

Now

Everything I understand points a finger toward destruction.
The world today,
teen's hopes washed down the drain.
Children starve while crack dealers of parents waste away.
Money's the only issue.
Life is no longer to be lived,
Life's lived only to die.
It's time to give a damn about the way we live-
Not just how we end.
One day to the next
One step at a time.
Less on the streets,
More hope in my child's eyes.
Pollution of life taken out,
with teachings of better ways.
Apologies and forgiveness
more caring and love.
People must learn to do this themselves,
instead of being spectators.

Puppy Love!

I'm feeling crappy.

Ugh. Being sick sucks! I was fine all day! Work went great, got my hair did, Sam's for the game, a good run... And then with the rain, came the sickness. Boo.

Saturday night at home with Zoey and Sex and the City DVDs! Whoo hoo, how exciting! I used to like Saturday nights in, when it meant spending time with a certain someone. Anyways...BLAH. But Sat night in for being sick isn't any fun!

Although, Zoey is pretty damn cute all curled up on the couch. It's like she knows I don't feel well. There was a dog on Petfinder in Gallatin that is just like puppy Zoey. They would be the perfect puppy friends! It took all my strength all week to not go up to Gallatin and adopt the dog. Zoey would probably hate me if I did that. That would mean something else in my house would get attention! Zoey is the kind of dog that follows me around every minute I'm home. She's my shadow, my buddy! It's crazy how we can get so attached to our pets. Dogs really are a man's best friend! Dogs love their owners. No matter what. No matter how I feel, or what's going on, at the end of the day I go home to see Zoey bouncing off the walls with excitement that I am home. She wants to go outside and go for a walk, or play with the dang chuck-it toy for hours. And she's cute as can be. Then, at night, I go to sleep in my bed, and her on her dog bed. Yet, I wake up in the morning and she's right there-right by my face. And she hogs the bed. It cracks me up! Because I know at night, she waits for me to fall asleep and then creeps up on my bed. Little shithead. If only people could learn how to love as unconditionally as our dogs do! The world would be a much better and happier place! :)

Nite nite!

Break-ups suck.


There's no way around it. I mean, they're not fun in any way, but at least sometimes when you know it's truly for the better, than it just doesn't seem like such a big deal. People sometimes don't work out. Sometimes we just don't fit together, or we grow apart and you just hit that crossroads...and you know it's done. And sometimes people change their mind about what they want in life, and I get that. I do it all the time! Every new bend and twist in life brings about new challenges, new friends, new activities...and I've always been someone who's up for a new adventure. Hell, moving back and forth from LA, and school, and now Nashville has all just been because I love that sense of adventure and the thought of a new place with new faces and new things always appeals to me. But, what happens when a break up actually gets to you? Or in this case, actually gets to me?

And, I've never been so torn up by a break-up before. Why does this one bother me so much? Why do I feel like I lost something big here? I'm still trying to figure that part out...

Did I let someone in too far? In too deep? Maybe I got in over my head, and I'm struggling to get out. It's just all confusing to me.

My heart and my head are disagreeing right now. My head knows, this is smart, this is best, and distance and time will heal the pain and sadness and better days are ahead. My head also knows that for us to have any chance of anything in the future, this needs to happen NOW. But my heart is fighting my head to all end. My heart...my heart tells me that it's wrong not to see you. My heart tugs on me to call you, talk to you, to see you. It's hard! I want to take you in my arms, and kiss you, and hold you, fall asleep in your arms again. UGH!

And I'm mad at myself. But I shouldn't be. I let someone in, and that made me vulnerable. Becasue if I had never let you in, than you couldn't hurt me. But I did...and I got hurt. So now what? Am I supposed to let go and just act like it all meant nothing? Because I can't do that. Do I hope that someday things will work out? I don't want to have false hope. I do know, that I would love for us to move past this, and someday reconnect-as friends, or as more-that I don't know yet. But what I do know, is that watching you walk away from me and our life together hurt me more than I ever thought I could even possibly hurt.

So, at the end of the day...what was it all for? Was it worth it? If letting someone in, and loving someone ends up with pain in the end, than why bother? If you can spend so much time with one person, love them, become best friends, lean on one another, trust one another, have more fun together than with anyone else, share so much of your lives together, care so much, and still end up losing it all one day, than I can't help but wonder...

...is it all worth it?

On the piano...

There's a place/That I go/When I just want to be alone
When I need to get away/When I had a long, hard day

There's a place/Where I dream/Where everything's not as it seems
When I'm tiered of all the lies/And feel that sadness deep inside
I go...

Hide my face/So no one can see the tears
All the pain felt through the years
I try to be so strong/Sometimes I just can't hold on

There's a place/Where I turn/When I feel so insecure
In this world I've built these walls/They're shaking, trying not to fall

There's a place/Where I scream/Though no one can hear me
Finally, breaking down inside/feeling a part of me has died

I go...

Hide my face/so no one can see the tears
All the pain felt through the years
I try to be so strong/Sometimes I just can't hold on
I go/hide my face/so no one can see the tears
All this pain felt through the years
Sometimes I'm just not that strong/And I just can't hold on.

Have you ever had one of those days where you want to just crawl in to bed and wish life would go away?

Well, I have.
I've been in that place for over a year, wondering if this is where my dreams led.
I just want to move on and get out of here.

I don't hate who I've become, but it's not who I thought I'd be.

But is it because of you?
Or is it because of me?

It scares me.
My plans haven't worked so far.
Now what?

Pull the sheets over my head and pray again for it to go away.

I need another holiday.

It's been so long/oh uh ohhh/Since I saw your pretty face

And I know/oh uh ohhh/That you had to leave this place

Oh, the place inside your heart that you'd found/

That was only full when I was around/

I got caught up/You were caught down

I play it all in my head/over and over again...

Around and around/Time after time

Not a day goes by/Without wishing you were

Mine, Mine, Mine/Still mine/uh ohhh

The way I feel/oh uh ohhh/I know will never go away

All the pain inside/oh uh ohhh/Why was it so hard for me to say

That I'd been in love with you for so long

Many things I did were all so wrong/

I fell so deep, but now you are gone/

I play is all in my head/over and over again...

Around and around/Time after time

Not a day goes by/Without wishing you were

Mine, mine, mine/Still mine/uh ohhh

All the things we said but did not mean/

Why can't we say sorry and just come clean/

Put the past behind and start brand new/

I'm not myself when I'm without you/

We are just to good to not be together/

My heart is yours, forever and ever...

Around and around/Time after time

Not a day goes by/Without wishing you were

(mine)

I play it all in my head/over and over again/

(over and over)

Around and around/Time after time

Not a day goes by/Without wishing you were

Mine, mine, mine/Still mine/All mine/oh uh ohhh...

yeah