Lies.
One thing I don't understand at all is, Why do people feel the need to lie? Is the truth that much worse? I would rather know the truth the first time around than to be lied to and then discover the truth later on.
and is twisting the truth as bad as lying? I think so.
In a relationship, people put a big value on honesty. I heard a funny statistic on the radio the other morning. Guys lie on average 7x on a first date. 7 times! So, when it comes to relationships, is there ever really any hope if this is how we start out?!
For instance, when boundary lines in a relationship turn gray and things have no longer become defined as black and white, then the truth becomes shady as well. And now in this gray area, we have all sorts of problems.
So, can people just be honest with one another? Or is there a time where honesty really isn't the best policy? OR is being brutally honest just as bad as lying? Especially when the truth hurts. Hum...random thoughts of the day.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Bricks.
The thoughts in my head
make no sense
Without direction
Only jealousy
holds true.
This isn't what I came here for
Depth drowns me
Shallowness
he has shown me.
time for this
to come
As a faulter
not an ending.
It's not like you
didn't know
I loved you.
But
what closed eyes
missed
an open heart
Felt.
Bricks.
Only bricks.
make no sense
Without direction
Only jealousy
holds true.
This isn't what I came here for
Depth drowns me
Shallowness
he has shown me.
time for this
to come
As a faulter
not an ending.
It's not like you
didn't know
I loved you.
But
what closed eyes
missed
an open heart
Felt.
Bricks.
Only bricks.
Another chapter closes
There's almost nothing more disappointing when someone turns out to be nothing like you thought they were. You can spend everyday with someone, and they can still turn on you. I hope I have never done that to anyone! That's not a good thing.
Maybe I'm naive. Or gullible. But I tend to believe what people tell me. If someone says they care, I believe they care. If they say they will take time to get over you, I believe that they will respect you enough to do so. If someone says "I love you" I believe them. Then, to turn around and have them say, "Why would you have believed me when I said that?!" Are you kidding me? Who does that?
I am honestly starting to feel like I might lose faith in people. I have been trying so hard not to lose my faith. To not lose my trust. To not put up walls. But sometimes...it gets to be too much.
For you...
To leave this tired place
I am tired
and you are the face.
Miss the little things-you say? Ha.
Go for it...
And try...
To Remember.
I fell asleep with you and dreamt, but you woke with her and lived.
My scent erased by her hair
My voice unheard over hers
My touch vanished by her hands
My smile shadowed by her gaze.
Go for it...
And try...
To Remember.
For years I dreaded moments, change
The times and scenes where
everything else mattered.
Go for it...
And try...
To Rememb...
Wait-
A character in a movie
once gave you a glance back,
but reality hovered by your side.
The hourglass has turned.
Go for it...
and try...
To Remem...
You say you tried
But months without you really there?
Thousands of hours passed by...
Not even a few could be spared?
Go for it...
And try...
To Reme...
A year from now my name will
No longer be known by your lips
My face only a blurred vision of
A once past childlike dream.
Go for it...
And try...
To Re...
What we said nothing could change
Was changed by you, and you alone.
You say it was changed by me, but I told you how I felt.
My world would have been happy,
But you removed yourself, I did not push you out.
Go for it...
And try...
To...
Remember who?
What are you talking about?
Those words you say are untrue,
I know not of who you speak of.
Meet the future, Face to face.
I once believed you.
I once believed IN you.
My father,
My family,
Even some friends,
Let me down.
A best friend?
What's that mean to you?
Not you.
Now you've let me down, too.
I believed you were different,
I believed you were true.
I believed everything,
just because you were YOU.
Now?
Empty handed.
Empty hearted as well.
With nothing to show,
And no story to tell.
There is no happy ending
Only heartache and sadness.
No re-takes or repeats
Do-overs or more chances
There is no happy ending-you see?
You said so yourself.
GO FOR IT...
AND TRY...
TO REMEMBER.
You can't.
And you won't.
But I remember all too well.
Maybe I'm naive. Or gullible. But I tend to believe what people tell me. If someone says they care, I believe they care. If they say they will take time to get over you, I believe that they will respect you enough to do so. If someone says "I love you" I believe them. Then, to turn around and have them say, "Why would you have believed me when I said that?!" Are you kidding me? Who does that?
I am honestly starting to feel like I might lose faith in people. I have been trying so hard not to lose my faith. To not lose my trust. To not put up walls. But sometimes...it gets to be too much.
For you...
To leave this tired place
I am tired
and you are the face.
Miss the little things-you say? Ha.
Go for it...
And try...
To Remember.
I fell asleep with you and dreamt, but you woke with her and lived.
My scent erased by her hair
My voice unheard over hers
My touch vanished by her hands
My smile shadowed by her gaze.
Go for it...
And try...
To Remember.
For years I dreaded moments, change
The times and scenes where
everything else mattered.
Go for it...
And try...
To Rememb...
Wait-
A character in a movie
once gave you a glance back,
but reality hovered by your side.
The hourglass has turned.
Go for it...
and try...
To Remem...
You say you tried
But months without you really there?
Thousands of hours passed by...
Not even a few could be spared?
Go for it...
And try...
To Reme...
A year from now my name will
No longer be known by your lips
My face only a blurred vision of
A once past childlike dream.
Go for it...
And try...
To Re...
What we said nothing could change
Was changed by you, and you alone.
You say it was changed by me, but I told you how I felt.
My world would have been happy,
But you removed yourself, I did not push you out.
Go for it...
And try...
To...
Remember who?
What are you talking about?
Those words you say are untrue,
I know not of who you speak of.
Meet the future, Face to face.
I once believed you.
I once believed IN you.
My father,
My family,
Even some friends,
Let me down.
A best friend?
What's that mean to you?
Not you.
Now you've let me down, too.
I believed you were different,
I believed you were true.
I believed everything,
just because you were YOU.
Now?
Empty handed.
Empty hearted as well.
With nothing to show,
And no story to tell.
There is no happy ending
Only heartache and sadness.
No re-takes or repeats
Do-overs or more chances
There is no happy ending-you see?
You said so yourself.
GO FOR IT...
AND TRY...
TO REMEMBER.
You can't.
And you won't.
But I remember all too well.
Friday, March 27, 2009
"We must learn to act in spite of our fears, not because of them."
The scarier something seems, the more meaningful it could be.
I'm scared to let people in...but when I do, it's a beautiful thing.
I fear failure...but there is no such thing. Just many different ways of reaching new outcomes.
I am scared to take a path that I have been constantly told is not for me...but the more I veer off in my own direction, the happier I have become.
What do you fear?
The scarier something seems, the more meaningful it could be.
I'm scared to let people in...but when I do, it's a beautiful thing.
I fear failure...but there is no such thing. Just many different ways of reaching new outcomes.
I am scared to take a path that I have been constantly told is not for me...but the more I veer off in my own direction, the happier I have become.
What do you fear?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Surprise!
Life is full of surprises. You never know when you meet someone if or how they might impact your life. Some people come and go in a moments passing...others are by your side for life. And then there are some people that walked with you for a while, fall away, and then someday reach out and are right there with you again. It's amazing!
Everyone in my life knows what I'm going through right now. And, even though that doesn't make the pain go away, it's good to know that there are some people that will be there for you, no matter how many miles away they are. A person who impacted me greatly a few years back reached out to me again this weekend. (You know who you are...and you're probably reading this :) And I am extremely grateful to have you in my life. I know that things happen for a reason. I've always been a believer in that. I believe that God puts certain people in your life for certain reasons. To learn compassion, to learn about hope, to learn about faith, and some people are put there to show you how to love. I also know that I am strong, stubborn, and determined. These traits always get me through the rough patches. So, bottom line? I have faith that this too shall pass. And someday I will look back and understand all the reasons why it happened and be grateful for the lessons I take away from it. I already have learned a few big things from it...
~When you have someone wonderful in your life, tell them what they mean to you while they are there. Don't just assume they know. Sometimes, they don't feel it unless you make it clear. Show them that they are your best friend while they are next to you. If you don't, they will walk away to find someone who does all the little things that you were too blind to do-someone that will show them how special and important they are to them.
~Don't over analyze everything. I do this too often. Take things for what they are and work with them.
~Live in the moment more. I'm not saying be stupid. I'm saying, when you're happy, just be! When you let go, and quit thinking about it all, things happen organically. And usually, when things aren't forced or overly processed, they turn out just like you wanted them to. This goes back to the over analyzing that's constantly in my head.
~Listen. Listen. Listen. So many times we talk with out saying anything. Listen more. When someone is talking to you, look at them. Don't just listen with your ears. Listen with your heart. Don't just be thinking of what you'll say next. Just listen.
~Don't take people or chances for granted. If you get a chance at something you want, go for it. If someone is in your life and you are grateful for them, tell them. Don't hesitate and don't worry. There have been too many times in my life I was too cautious because I was afraid of getting hurt. Or I thought the walls around me would tumble down if I jumped in. I played it safe and stayed wishy-washy when I should have made it clear what I wanted.
~I also learned to not lose hope. Don't lose faith in others.
A few other people that had disappeared from my life back in school, reappeared out of the blue. Someone in my past who hurt me very badly back in the day, called me up this fall (it'd been years since we had talked) and apologized for the hurt that they had caused me. And a few years ago, an old roommate that I had in college reached out and apologized for a falling out we had back in school. We cried and laughed together, and caught up on one another's lives. It was wonderful! Did either of those apologies right the past? No. But it showed me that people learn and grow from their mistakes. And both of those apologies meant the world to me. It showed me that even though those people might not be in my life now the way they used to, we impact one another. We grew up together. And now all the hard feelings of our mistakes in the past melted away so the happy memories remain. So, just because someone walks away now in life, it doesn't mean they are gone forever. Chances are, if you think of them someday with a big fat smile on your face, they've done the same. Does that mean people always come back to you? No. Sometimes goodbye means just that. I'm just saying that second chances do happen, even if rare. And for now on, I'm going to make the best of each chance I get...first chance or second.
But back to my friend. Thank you for reaching out to me. It's greatly appreciated. I know now, I am not alone. It's also good to know that with years past, you are still here for me. And I hope you know, I am still here for you. :)
Everyone in my life knows what I'm going through right now. And, even though that doesn't make the pain go away, it's good to know that there are some people that will be there for you, no matter how many miles away they are. A person who impacted me greatly a few years back reached out to me again this weekend. (You know who you are...and you're probably reading this :) And I am extremely grateful to have you in my life. I know that things happen for a reason. I've always been a believer in that. I believe that God puts certain people in your life for certain reasons. To learn compassion, to learn about hope, to learn about faith, and some people are put there to show you how to love. I also know that I am strong, stubborn, and determined. These traits always get me through the rough patches. So, bottom line? I have faith that this too shall pass. And someday I will look back and understand all the reasons why it happened and be grateful for the lessons I take away from it. I already have learned a few big things from it...
~When you have someone wonderful in your life, tell them what they mean to you while they are there. Don't just assume they know. Sometimes, they don't feel it unless you make it clear. Show them that they are your best friend while they are next to you. If you don't, they will walk away to find someone who does all the little things that you were too blind to do-someone that will show them how special and important they are to them.
~Don't over analyze everything. I do this too often. Take things for what they are and work with them.
~Live in the moment more. I'm not saying be stupid. I'm saying, when you're happy, just be! When you let go, and quit thinking about it all, things happen organically. And usually, when things aren't forced or overly processed, they turn out just like you wanted them to. This goes back to the over analyzing that's constantly in my head.
~Listen. Listen. Listen. So many times we talk with out saying anything. Listen more. When someone is talking to you, look at them. Don't just listen with your ears. Listen with your heart. Don't just be thinking of what you'll say next. Just listen.
~Don't take people or chances for granted. If you get a chance at something you want, go for it. If someone is in your life and you are grateful for them, tell them. Don't hesitate and don't worry. There have been too many times in my life I was too cautious because I was afraid of getting hurt. Or I thought the walls around me would tumble down if I jumped in. I played it safe and stayed wishy-washy when I should have made it clear what I wanted.
~I also learned to not lose hope. Don't lose faith in others.
A few other people that had disappeared from my life back in school, reappeared out of the blue. Someone in my past who hurt me very badly back in the day, called me up this fall (it'd been years since we had talked) and apologized for the hurt that they had caused me. And a few years ago, an old roommate that I had in college reached out and apologized for a falling out we had back in school. We cried and laughed together, and caught up on one another's lives. It was wonderful! Did either of those apologies right the past? No. But it showed me that people learn and grow from their mistakes. And both of those apologies meant the world to me. It showed me that even though those people might not be in my life now the way they used to, we impact one another. We grew up together. And now all the hard feelings of our mistakes in the past melted away so the happy memories remain. So, just because someone walks away now in life, it doesn't mean they are gone forever. Chances are, if you think of them someday with a big fat smile on your face, they've done the same. Does that mean people always come back to you? No. Sometimes goodbye means just that. I'm just saying that second chances do happen, even if rare. And for now on, I'm going to make the best of each chance I get...first chance or second.
But back to my friend. Thank you for reaching out to me. It's greatly appreciated. I know now, I am not alone. It's also good to know that with years past, you are still here for me. And I hope you know, I am still here for you. :)
Friday, March 20, 2009
DOG DAYS
As most of you know, I have a cute mutt named Zoey. Lately, Zoey has been really good, so instead of being in her kennel all day, I have been able to leave her out in the apartment when I'm gone. Zoey is an adorable little thing. Her puppy eyes melt my heart. Well, after yesterday, I'm not sure about what goes on in her mind! I think she wants to leave me!
OK. So here's the story. I came home from work yesterday and Zoey did not greet me at the door like she normally does. Normally, she's all over me before I can get all the way in the door. So, I look around the apartment...nothing. Out of the corner of my eye, I realize that the screen on the back window is ripped to shreds. I had left my windows open because is was so nice out. A friend of mine always told me to leave my back windows open as opposed to my front ones because the back of my apartment is the second floor. Well, I had left for bootcamp yesterday morning around 5:15am, went straight to work from there, then worked out, and got home a little before 5pm. I guess that might have been a little too long to leave her out. Well, when I couldn't find Zoey in the house, I really started to freak out. I started crying becuase I thought she probably fell out the window and was hurt somewhere. I called my mom completely hysterical as I ran around my building. No sign of Zoey. Then, I hopped in the car and drove around the complex thinking in my head that she probably ran away. My complex isn't completely fenced in. The back is open to the woods-and the train tracks. Well, I found the dumb dog in the back of the complex, just running around in a field between buildings! I ran out of the car and yelled at her, the second she saw me her ears went back! She so KNOWS she was a little punk. I got her in the car and took her home. I felt her over a couple times, looking for cuts, bruised, broken bones, etc and she didn't seem like anything hurt her and she doesn't have a scratch on her. Is is seriously possible that she went through the window and is perfectly ok?!?!?!? I called my mom back in shock, and my mom just laughed hysterically at me! I can't believe it. I honestly can't believe. I have the weirdest dog EVER. Honestly, HOW NUTS IS THAT?!? I am still in shock!
Does anyone else have a dog that crazy?!
OK. So here's the story. I came home from work yesterday and Zoey did not greet me at the door like she normally does. Normally, she's all over me before I can get all the way in the door. So, I look around the apartment...nothing. Out of the corner of my eye, I realize that the screen on the back window is ripped to shreds. I had left my windows open because is was so nice out. A friend of mine always told me to leave my back windows open as opposed to my front ones because the back of my apartment is the second floor. Well, I had left for bootcamp yesterday morning around 5:15am, went straight to work from there, then worked out, and got home a little before 5pm. I guess that might have been a little too long to leave her out. Well, when I couldn't find Zoey in the house, I really started to freak out. I started crying becuase I thought she probably fell out the window and was hurt somewhere. I called my mom completely hysterical as I ran around my building. No sign of Zoey. Then, I hopped in the car and drove around the complex thinking in my head that she probably ran away. My complex isn't completely fenced in. The back is open to the woods-and the train tracks. Well, I found the dumb dog in the back of the complex, just running around in a field between buildings! I ran out of the car and yelled at her, the second she saw me her ears went back! She so KNOWS she was a little punk. I got her in the car and took her home. I felt her over a couple times, looking for cuts, bruised, broken bones, etc and she didn't seem like anything hurt her and she doesn't have a scratch on her. Is is seriously possible that she went through the window and is perfectly ok?!?!?!? I called my mom back in shock, and my mom just laughed hysterically at me! I can't believe it. I honestly can't believe. I have the weirdest dog EVER. Honestly, HOW NUTS IS THAT?!? I am still in shock!
Does anyone else have a dog that crazy?!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Breathe
Holding me in/you won't let me come out
So close that I can't/even speak out loud
You won't come back down/from your cloud
so I stand in the shadow
And
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
so suffocated/overprotected
you say "it's complicated/
I leave/just let me breathe
I need to feel/the air around me
Let go of my hand/I'll cross alone
You don't want to let wind sweep
you away from the sun/
So I stand in the rain/And
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
so suffocated/overprotected
you say "it's complicated"/
I leave/just let me breathe
You try to keep/my feet on the ground
I'm tired of you/keeping me bound
I don't understand why
you won't let me fly/
(but) But I can get by/
When you just let me breathe
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
so suffocated/overprotected
you say "it's complicated/
I leave/I'm gone
I left/you're alone
I breathe/on my own
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
so suffocated/overprotected
It's not that complicated
I leave/I'm gone
I left/you're alone
I breathe/on my own
Just let me breathe
So close that I can't/even speak out loud
You won't come back down/from your cloud
so I stand in the shadow
And
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
so suffocated/overprotected
you say "it's complicated/
I leave/just let me breathe
I need to feel/the air around me
Let go of my hand/I'll cross alone
You don't want to let wind sweep
you away from the sun/
So I stand in the rain/And
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
so suffocated/overprotected
you say "it's complicated"/
I leave/just let me breathe
You try to keep/my feet on the ground
I'm tired of you/keeping me bound
I don't understand why
you won't let me fly/
(but) But I can get by/
When you just let me breathe
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
so suffocated/overprotected
you say "it's complicated/
I leave/I'm gone
I left/you're alone
I breathe/on my own
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
Breathe in/breathe out
so suffocated/overprotected
It's not that complicated
I leave/I'm gone
I left/you're alone
I breathe/on my own
Just let me breathe
Monday, March 16, 2009
BOOT CAMP!
BOOT CAMP started today! Kristy and I had a good time! Our 'campers' are going to be a lot of fun. I can see this becoming a big success! Already we have requests to add additional classes, and it looks like it will only be a few weeks before we need to add a night class! Which is perfect timing with Gordian. Oh, if only it becomes big enough for Kristy and I to leave Gordian! :) But, man, did it feel nice to be back in to the swing of getting up before the sun and getting moving outside! I miss that from Fitness Together! I have forgotten how much I like training and helping people learn ways to improve their health and fitness. I love that over the past month I have stepped it up and taken the actions to get back into good shape again. I forgot how great I feel when I workout all the time! I am excited to share this with the campers and I hope that my enthusiasim rubs off on them! (If only I had the same discipline with my marathon training as I do my other workouts! Haha. And the love/hate relationship with running continues.)
UK BASKETBALL
So so so sad. I never thought I'd see the day where we are in the NIT. I can't believe that the other two schools I attended, WKU and CSU Northridge, made it to the NCAA tournament and UK didn't. What a dark March Madness this year. It's sad when our football team is better than our basketball team! AH! What is the world coming to?!
Loss
I feel a great sense of loss today. My heart is totally crushed. I had it out with someone very close to me over the weekend, and it came down to a decision of us no longer speaking...for weeks, months...possibly forever. My ex and I have been separated for 3 months...but at the same time, we would go a few weeks without talking and then we would start hanging out again. Then, we would decide we needed more time to enter the 'friendship' zone. So, we'd go another few weeks, and then try again. It wasn't working-being just friends, that is. UGH! How can something that feels so good and so right be so wrong!? So, this weekend...it came down to him cutting me out. No calls, no emails...nothing. This is someone I carry dear to my heart and was a best friend for a while now. How do you care about someone so much one day, and then the next they decide you're not only not worthy of being with them, but not even worthy of their friendship or being in their life? Or how can someone that said they care about you turn around and say, "I don't even want to know about you, your life, or care about what you do anymore..."
Why do people have to hurt eachother so badly? What makes it go away? Why can't people just say what they mean?! And mean what they say!? Instead of playing these games. Hurting others with words they don't mean and pushing down feelings instead of acting on them.
I have so much to say to this person...but they don't listen. And nothing changes their mind. So, now what?
How am I supposed to just forget? Is that possible?!
I blew it. I know I did. I pushed. I pushed him instead of giving him space, and I overwhelmed him. I want to make my mistakes right! I want to fix it. I know that at this point, I need to turn to God and trust that he will take care of me. I haven't been very close in my relationship with him for a while, and now I realize how much I need to put my life in his hands. Only He can guide me and show me the plan he has laid out for me. But when your head and your heart are in a conflict, how can you just trust that God will make everything ok? I want to believe with all my heart. I want to! I need to! But I'm struggling...
Why do people have to hurt eachother so badly? What makes it go away? Why can't people just say what they mean?! And mean what they say!? Instead of playing these games. Hurting others with words they don't mean and pushing down feelings instead of acting on them.
I have so much to say to this person...but they don't listen. And nothing changes their mind. So, now what?
How am I supposed to just forget? Is that possible?!
I blew it. I know I did. I pushed. I pushed him instead of giving him space, and I overwhelmed him. I want to make my mistakes right! I want to fix it. I know that at this point, I need to turn to God and trust that he will take care of me. I haven't been very close in my relationship with him for a while, and now I realize how much I need to put my life in his hands. Only He can guide me and show me the plan he has laid out for me. But when your head and your heart are in a conflict, how can you just trust that God will make everything ok? I want to believe with all my heart. I want to! I need to! But I'm struggling...
Sunday, March 15, 2009
It's the strangest thing.
I'm not like this...
to come into one so soon
so quick.
One swift leap
and I am here
falling...
for someone
I didn't want before.
Others warn of foul play
Cruel intentions, they might say.
Confused and gray.
I don't fall like this
Talk like this
Act like this!
But beauty in someone new
is finding a side of you
brought out by them
That without,
you'd never know.
And now I know,
I can fall like this.
I'm not like this...
to come into one so soon
so quick.
One swift leap
and I am here
falling...
for someone
I didn't want before.
Others warn of foul play
Cruel intentions, they might say.
Confused and gray.
I don't fall like this
Talk like this
Act like this!
But beauty in someone new
is finding a side of you
brought out by them
That without,
you'd never know.
And now I know,
I can fall like this.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
tag it!
I Am: a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a soon-to-be student again, and a clumsy musician.
I Have: everything I need to make it by in life
I Think: Always. All the time. I over think. My mind wanders constantly. I wish I could record my thoughts and let someone else in on what goes on up there!
I Know: What I want. I also know what I don't want!
I Dislike: Ignorance, grudges, and hatred.
I Miss: My family, my LA and UK friends, and someone dear to my heart that is no longer in my life the way I wish they were.
I Fear: Failure. I am scared horribly to ever fail. And spiders...I fear them greatly!
I Feel: Loved. Blessed. Happy, yet driven to accomplish more.
I Want: Peace of mind. Peace of heart.
I Smell: I smell? I love the smell right after it's rained.
I Crave: More knowledge. More time outside.
I Cry: Sometimes.
I Usually: Am thinking about how to reach my dreams.
I Search: For knowledge, wisdom, meaning, love.
I Wonder: What path to take.
I Care: So much about the people in my life.
I Love: My friends, my family, my dog. And snow, any water, and laughing!
I Regret: Not savoring every min in high school, college, or in LA.
I Always: Want to do what I can to help others.
I Worry: That I won't accomplish everything I want to.
I Am Not: Loving my current job-but I'm working on new ones!
I Remember: How being with all my family made me feel a happiness I haven't experienced elsewehere.
I Dance: All the time! It is fun, eventhough I look crazy doing it!
I Don't Always: Shut up when I should or say the right thing.
I Write: All the time. I journal. I write stories, poems, thoughts, dreams. I believe that writing is a wonder and a splendor all in its own.
I Win: hum...I once won a tiger stuffed animal at a fair! That might be the only thing, EVER!
I Wish: Everyone could treat others with love and respect at all times. I wish people would realize what they have, when they have it-not just after it's gone.
I Argue: When I should listen.
I Listen: To understand.
I Lose: My keys. My phone. My shoes.
I Don't Understand: Why some people close off when they should open up.
I Can Usually Be Found: At home, at the gym, or at the park!
I Am Scared: That I will never be loved back as much as I love others.
I Need: Love. And dreams to keep my spirit alive!
I Forget: How powerful forgiveness and love can be.
I Am: Grateful. Strong. Happy. Silly!
I Believe: In the good in people and in good intentions.
Now, it's your turn!
I Am: a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a soon-to-be student again, and a clumsy musician.
I Have: everything I need to make it by in life
I Think: Always. All the time. I over think. My mind wanders constantly. I wish I could record my thoughts and let someone else in on what goes on up there!
I Know: What I want. I also know what I don't want!
I Dislike: Ignorance, grudges, and hatred.
I Miss: My family, my LA and UK friends, and someone dear to my heart that is no longer in my life the way I wish they were.
I Fear: Failure. I am scared horribly to ever fail. And spiders...I fear them greatly!
I Feel: Loved. Blessed. Happy, yet driven to accomplish more.
I Want: Peace of mind. Peace of heart.
I Smell: I smell? I love the smell right after it's rained.
I Crave: More knowledge. More time outside.
I Cry: Sometimes.
I Usually: Am thinking about how to reach my dreams.
I Search: For knowledge, wisdom, meaning, love.
I Wonder: What path to take.
I Care: So much about the people in my life.
I Love: My friends, my family, my dog. And snow, any water, and laughing!
I Regret: Not savoring every min in high school, college, or in LA.
I Always: Want to do what I can to help others.
I Worry: That I won't accomplish everything I want to.
I Am Not: Loving my current job-but I'm working on new ones!
I Remember: How being with all my family made me feel a happiness I haven't experienced elsewehere.
I Dance: All the time! It is fun, eventhough I look crazy doing it!
I Don't Always: Shut up when I should or say the right thing.
I Write: All the time. I journal. I write stories, poems, thoughts, dreams. I believe that writing is a wonder and a splendor all in its own.
I Win: hum...I once won a tiger stuffed animal at a fair! That might be the only thing, EVER!
I Wish: Everyone could treat others with love and respect at all times. I wish people would realize what they have, when they have it-not just after it's gone.
I Argue: When I should listen.
I Listen: To understand.
I Lose: My keys. My phone. My shoes.
I Don't Understand: Why some people close off when they should open up.
I Can Usually Be Found: At home, at the gym, or at the park!
I Am Scared: That I will never be loved back as much as I love others.
I Need: Love. And dreams to keep my spirit alive!
I Forget: How powerful forgiveness and love can be.
I Am: Grateful. Strong. Happy. Silly!
I Believe: In the good in people and in good intentions.
Now, it's your turn!
Monday, March 9, 2009
When It's Over
When it's over
I see what was really there.
How I could never keep you,
you were never satisfied.
Is there something you tried to say?
I probably just wasn't listening.
I forgot how to love someone,
I missed the beauty of what lied simply within the reach of my outstretched fingertips.
They didn't stretch quite far enough.
I wish for only the best
Now it's over.
I fucked up for the both of us,
It is becoming ever clearer.
Is there something you tried to do?
I probably just didn't see.
I missed the lovliness of what encircled me to
too close touch, too far to push away.
I didn't try to touch this enough.
I wish only to go back
A time and place
so far so gone.
Mistakes of the past,
if they could only change.
It's becoming ever clear
There's something I didn't do.
In the morning,
I didn't touch your face.
In the night
I didn't hold you close.
In the light
I didn't return your smile.
In the darkness,
I let you leave.
I should have stopped you.
I see what was really there.
How I could never keep you,
you were never satisfied.
Is there something you tried to say?
I probably just wasn't listening.
I forgot how to love someone,
I missed the beauty of what lied simply within the reach of my outstretched fingertips.
They didn't stretch quite far enough.
I wish for only the best
Now it's over.
I fucked up for the both of us,
It is becoming ever clearer.
Is there something you tried to do?
I probably just didn't see.
I missed the lovliness of what encircled me to
too close touch, too far to push away.
I didn't try to touch this enough.
I wish only to go back
A time and place
so far so gone.
Mistakes of the past,
if they could only change.
It's becoming ever clear
There's something I didn't do.
In the morning,
I didn't touch your face.
In the night
I didn't hold you close.
In the light
I didn't return your smile.
In the darkness,
I let you leave.
I should have stopped you.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
SPRING!
I am ready for spring. I can't wait! It was freezing this morning on my way to the gym, and I couldn't help but think about how over winter I am. But hints of spring are starting to pop up everywhere! This week it's supposed to get back into the 60s...it's about time!
I love this time of year! Things start thawing out, and I am coming out of my winter coma. My favorie part of this time of year is that I get to be outside much, much more, which makes me feel good all the time. Not to mention, in the spring time there is always so much going on, and so much to do! Soccer is starts next week! And indoor is going to get started again soon. Then, boot camp classes start mid-March and I'm super excited about that. Working at Gordian has been okay, getting a steady paycheck and all, but I am anxious to get back outside and back into the fitness groove. Teaching this boot camp is the perfect thing for me, with perfect timing! Then, Kristy and I are starting our fitness retreats in April/May, which is a whole new project for us. It's exciting to have something new to focus on and work toward.
Then, in the spring, there is always Keenland to look forward to. As well as Derby, which I am hoping to go to this year with Katie and Liz! Steeplechase is the weekend after derby, and I want to be able to attend this year again after having such a blast last year! It was so much fun and I'm trying to reel in some Lexington friends to come down for it!
And coming up soon in April, Susan is coming in from LA for a week. We are hoping to explore Nashville some more, and even make a quick trip down to Memphis to meet up with her cousin. Then, in April there is also the Country Music Marathon. I pussed out and only signed up for the Half-marathon again. But even so, training for it has been a commitment all over again this year.
Ah, so much is going on! Mom and Dad are looking to move to BG again. I hope they do soon! My friend, Nikki, just got engaged! I'm so excited for her! :) I reconnected with some old friends from high school and college these past few weeks, and it's great to catch up. It's crazy how you can spend so much time away from some people, but then when you are together, it seems like you never missed a beat! I love that feeling!
It just seems like after a really crappy winter and last year having so many bad things happening, that this year is really looking up. And I'm thrilled! :)
The only downer lately, is that recently, someone very important to me and close to my heart walked out of my life. This person and I had some struggles for a few months, running in circles, and decided to part ways. Unfortunately, it was more their decision than mine. Sadly, I miss this person more than I thought I would or care to admit. It just goes to show that you can't always get what you want. Needless to say, I have been greatly struggling with the loss of this person and having a hard time dealing with the hurt from our situation. I am hoping that this spring, I can turn over a new leaf and work through this situation. I would love for all to be forgiven and I hope someday this person will choose to walk back into my life. Maybe that's just my spring hope in the sunshine. :)
But spring can reveal lots of suprises...so only time will tell! :)
I love this time of year! Things start thawing out, and I am coming out of my winter coma. My favorie part of this time of year is that I get to be outside much, much more, which makes me feel good all the time. Not to mention, in the spring time there is always so much going on, and so much to do! Soccer is starts next week! And indoor is going to get started again soon. Then, boot camp classes start mid-March and I'm super excited about that. Working at Gordian has been okay, getting a steady paycheck and all, but I am anxious to get back outside and back into the fitness groove. Teaching this boot camp is the perfect thing for me, with perfect timing! Then, Kristy and I are starting our fitness retreats in April/May, which is a whole new project for us. It's exciting to have something new to focus on and work toward.
Then, in the spring, there is always Keenland to look forward to. As well as Derby, which I am hoping to go to this year with Katie and Liz! Steeplechase is the weekend after derby, and I want to be able to attend this year again after having such a blast last year! It was so much fun and I'm trying to reel in some Lexington friends to come down for it!
And coming up soon in April, Susan is coming in from LA for a week. We are hoping to explore Nashville some more, and even make a quick trip down to Memphis to meet up with her cousin. Then, in April there is also the Country Music Marathon. I pussed out and only signed up for the Half-marathon again. But even so, training for it has been a commitment all over again this year.
Ah, so much is going on! Mom and Dad are looking to move to BG again. I hope they do soon! My friend, Nikki, just got engaged! I'm so excited for her! :) I reconnected with some old friends from high school and college these past few weeks, and it's great to catch up. It's crazy how you can spend so much time away from some people, but then when you are together, it seems like you never missed a beat! I love that feeling!
It just seems like after a really crappy winter and last year having so many bad things happening, that this year is really looking up. And I'm thrilled! :)
The only downer lately, is that recently, someone very important to me and close to my heart walked out of my life. This person and I had some struggles for a few months, running in circles, and decided to part ways. Unfortunately, it was more their decision than mine. Sadly, I miss this person more than I thought I would or care to admit. It just goes to show that you can't always get what you want. Needless to say, I have been greatly struggling with the loss of this person and having a hard time dealing with the hurt from our situation. I am hoping that this spring, I can turn over a new leaf and work through this situation. I would love for all to be forgiven and I hope someday this person will choose to walk back into my life. Maybe that's just my spring hope in the sunshine. :)
But spring can reveal lots of suprises...so only time will tell! :)
Sunday, March 1, 2009
What has always seemed so far away,
is now close enough to touch
Outstretched fingertips, hands aching,
Yet I am unable to grasp and pull close.
Cloudy waters caused my eyes to glaze over,
shielding them from the obvious.
Ways to retrieve dreams are blocked
by my own visions.
Pain increases by the day
fingertips burning, nails clawing
Both dissipating through what is clearly there.
How sad is it,
when a capable human
Does not realize what it is capable of?
"If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however, if i treat you as though you are all of what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that." Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
I heard this today, and it make an odd sense to me. We always talk about accepting people for as they are. But what if we don't want to settle for that?
Take for example, you know someone in your life that doesn't live up to their full potential- as a friend, as a partner, in their job, in their talents, in any way. Do we keep our mouths shut, and take it just as accepting them for as they are? Is that okay? Or should we should treat them on the consideration that they can be more and expect them to act up to all they are capable of?
I heard this today, and it make an odd sense to me. We always talk about accepting people for as they are. But what if we don't want to settle for that?
Take for example, you know someone in your life that doesn't live up to their full potential- as a friend, as a partner, in their job, in their talents, in any way. Do we keep our mouths shut, and take it just as accepting them for as they are? Is that okay? Or should we should treat them on the consideration that they can be more and expect them to act up to all they are capable of?
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