Loss

I feel a great sense of loss today. My heart is totally crushed. I had it out with someone very close to me over the weekend, and it came down to a decision of us no longer speaking...for weeks, months...possibly forever. My ex and I have been separated for 3 months...but at the same time, we would go a few weeks without talking and then we would start hanging out again. Then, we would decide we needed more time to enter the 'friendship' zone. So, we'd go another few weeks, and then try again. It wasn't working-being just friends, that is. UGH! How can something that feels so good and so right be so wrong!? So, this weekend...it came down to him cutting me out. No calls, no emails...nothing. This is someone I carry dear to my heart and was a best friend for a while now. How do you care about someone so much one day, and then the next they decide you're not only not worthy of being with them, but not even worthy of their friendship or being in their life? Or how can someone that said they care about you turn around and say, "I don't even want to know about you, your life, or care about what you do anymore..."

Why do people have to hurt eachother so badly? What makes it go away? Why can't people just say what they mean?! And mean what they say!? Instead of playing these games. Hurting others with words they don't mean and pushing down feelings instead of acting on them.

I have so much to say to this person...but they don't listen. And nothing changes their mind. So, now what?

How am I supposed to just forget? Is that possible?!

I blew it. I know I did. I pushed. I pushed him instead of giving him space, and I overwhelmed him. I want to make my mistakes right! I want to fix it. I know that at this point, I need to turn to God and trust that he will take care of me. I haven't been very close in my relationship with him for a while, and now I realize how much I need to put my life in his hands. Only He can guide me and show me the plan he has laid out for me. But when your head and your heart are in a conflict, how can you just trust that God will make everything ok? I want to believe with all my heart. I want to! I need to! But I'm struggling...