why I play...

Someone once told me...

"Music is the one thing that has the ability to numb me and move me at the same time. It can bring me back to life, time and time again. So, that's why I play. And I will continue to play. I will never stop. Because once I lose that feeling, that is when I will die."

All for the love of music. Have you ever heard a song that was so powerful it brought you to tears? I heard one today. It made me think of this wise man who once said this to me back in college. And I agree. Music moves me like nothing else. I have always wished I was blessed with the talent to write, create, and move others through music.

To those people who are talented and brave enough to create music, you are my heros. Keep going, keep writing, keep playing, keep dreaming. Whether it's for packed stadiums, friends at a bonfire, or alone in your room, don't ever stop playing. Because you never know who your music will touch and how powerful that moment will be.

:)

TWITTER

SO...for a long time I was very against Twitter. I never understood why people used it.

Well, I broke down. YES, I am on twitter. Let's see how this goes...

FOLLOW ME!!!

http://twitter.com/ThatPlanoGirl

:)

TENNESSEE FLOOD RELIEF :)

http://nashvillest.com/2010/05/03/so-nashville-is-flooded-how-can-i-help/

How to HELP!!!

Okay. So Middle Tennessee is flooded. We all know that by now. And chances are, most of us have either been affected by this situation, or know someone who has. I have friends and co-workers who have lost everything. It's still hard to grasp the extent of the devastation here, even living in the area. The water in downtown took my breath away when I saw it earlier this week, and just driving home is a constant reminder of the destruction in Bellevue. There is no end to tragic stories from this disaster. All from RAIN-It's insane to think that something usually considered such a positive, and so beautiful can cause such destruction.

I am asking you to do what you can and try to help. :)

The link above has a great list of resources to reach out to. Whether you can donate goods, time, or money, you can make a difference in helping bring the people of Middle Tennesse back to life again!

If you would like to donate goods, I will be in Bowling Green this weekend. I would be more than happy to pick them up from you, or you can drop them off to me on Sunday morning, 8am-12pm. I will be making a drop off Sunday afternoon or Monday morning to a shelter AND to the Salvation Army. ANY AND EVERYTHING will be greatly appreciated.

If you want to donate $-please use one of the links of this page. They will show you how to make a donation via Credit Card. Or, if you want to make a cash/check donation, I can turn that in for you as well. I just ask you please put it in a sealed envelope with the name of the organization you would like to donate to on the front.

If you would like to donate your time and get hands on, that would be AMAZING! Organizations all over town are setting up rebuiling and tear down groups for volunteers. There are too many options to mention here, so please, check out the list and choose one!

OR, if you want to donate and want something in return, please purchase our WE ARE NASHVILLE tee shirt. 100% of proceeds are being donated. http://store.coolpeoplecare.org/products/we-are-nashville-t-shirt

Please, if you can help, do it! There are so many people that would greatly appreciate it. :) If we all do just a little, we can make a big change. :)

Lots and lots of LOVE...Amanda

PLEASE FORWARD TO EVERYONE IN BG! :)

this made my day...

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if its the 13th or the 14th? - George Burns

Roethlisberger = douche

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/football/nfl/04/30/eminem.ap/index.html?xid=shareFB

Roethlisberger=douche.

Stupid People

Me: (buying a 20lb bag of dog food)

Guy: Hey, is that for your dog?

Me: No. I like to pour milk on it and eat it like cereal.

Guy: Oh! Really?!

Me: Um, I'm leaving now.




I can't stand stupid people.

2010

It's been a long time, long time

I shouldn't have left you, left you

Without a dope beat to step to

Step to, step to, step to...



OK!!! Sooooo...it's been months upon months since I have even been on here! So much has happened, and, MAN! life is great now.



To briefly catch up...



Novemeber and December brought on some drama when a good friend's engagment was broken off. It was hard to see someone I care about so deeply go through such a low period. I don't think I will ever understand how you can treat someone you "love" so poorly. I honestly pray for this person all the time, because I think if something this devastating happened to me, I wouldn't handle it with half the integrity and grace that they have. YOU ARE AWESOME. :)

Christmas came and went with the usual family time and BG visits! As wonderful as the holiday is, it's always rough to say goodbye to my family. Christmas is pretty much the only time we are together, and even then, it's only for a few days at most.



New Years brought on a new chapter. Out with the old, in with the new. Overnight, everything seemed to change. I spent this New Year up in Seattle with my amazing friend, Susan. Susan's wedding to Chris was incredible. Being a part of the whole experience really showed me that one day I, too, want to marry my best friend. We spent the week in the beautiful wine country outside of Seattle. Talk about natural beauty! I was in complete awe. I met some friends and family of Susan's and what incredible people! (shout out to Allison!) As for wedding duties, dress making, creating flower arrangments, decorating, bachelorette fiestas, showers-you name it, we did it. The week FLEW by in what felt like mere seconds. One night I went as far as to risk my life on the free way to switch cars so we would all be able to drive in the carpool lane. The whole week was a wild celebration of bringing my two friends together in the best of ways. Not to mention, the New Years party after the reception just might be the best I have ever been a part of. :) Except for the hangover part...



The job search continued with highs and lows. A few promising interviews lifted me up, then threw me down with no offers. I struggled a bit with keeping my confidence high. Sadly, I even realized that this rejection was not only affecting my confidence in the job arena, but also melted over in to my personal life. But don't worry... I'm working full time again, and my confidence grows every day! Some days, too much. :)


Yet, starting back at work had it's highs and lows as well. It was difficult to say goodbye to my dog walking clients. All those pups had grown on me, and I loved them, just as I do Zoey! I still get to babysit for a few clients that I picked up while not working, and I love hanging out with those kids. They keep me young! (As if I really need any encouragement to act like an immature asshole!)


In March, I got a nice surprise from my other family, the Walkers! They extended an invite the beach, which I of course jumped on. A quick trip to Florida for Easter concluded with a little bit of a tan, a big lack of sleep, and new scars on my leg as proof of how much fun I REALLY had. Then, it was time to start the new J-O-B.


My new job is interesting! Fact: I love working with Kristy Bryant again. Sometimes you don't realize how much you've missed a friend until they appear back in your life. Seeing her smiling face helps make work bareable! I never pictured myself doing this type of work, but somehow it fits. I surprisingly enjoy it! The fact that my co-workers kick ass and spend more time talking about sports and happy hour than real work keeps me interested. Ironically, we admit people into rehab all day long...HUM.

With this new year has come some new friendships! I have grown closer to a few ladies that I have known for a while. Yet, some things have happened to show me who's really going to be there and have my back when I actually need it. I have to say, these continually growing friendships make me incredibly happy. I am talking about CHEESY happy! And...I've been dating around some, and even met a boy I like! Yet, in true Amanda fashion, I distance myself and cause issues just to prevent myself from getting too close too quick. Old habits die hard, eh??! This one hasn't died at all, yet. I still think there's hope out there for me, though! I living and learning, and taking it all as it comes. As for the boy, I know I don't want a boyfriend just yet, but boy friends are always fun. :) So, I'll keep ya posted.


With all the April rain, I can't help but think that my favorite time is coming! Summer is sneaking up quickly! The promise of patio drinks, long pool days, SPF 60, and catching up with friends keeps me smiling.

2010 has really proven to kick 2009s ass so far, and I am excited to see what else it brings my way. :)





LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE!
~peace

My love, My Enemy

I can't fake kiss you,
although I've tried.
You lean in,
I close my eyes.
Too many times,
in this same place with you.
Over and over I fall
just to get torn apart
You find another
but it never works out.
And to my dismay,
I am there to catch you.
You'll never love me
Not the way I want,
Not the way I deserve,
Not the way I love you.
Everytime I am strong
Strong enough to tell you No
You come back
telling me everything
I've been yearning to hear...
Roping me in,
Knowing I can't resist you.
I am not strong enough
To walk away and never look back.
I need you to be strong for me too.
But not the way you think.
So listen carefully,

If you don't want me for always and always,
Please, will you please,
just let me go?

Play safe...

I am the expert at playing it safe.

Don't get me wrong. I have taken risks in my life. Big ones. But they have been few and far between. I moved to LA. I moved back to Lexington to finish school. I moved back to LA. I moved to Nashville. But in school, I stayed on track with something I just happened to be good at instead of with something I was passionate about. But I have this nagging feeling inside of me. A lot of the time. Much more than I'd like to admit. It's always there... The feeling that I haven't taken enough risks.

When is something worth the risk? If you get what you want?! Then, it definitely seems worth it. On the other hand, sometimes what we think we wanted turns out completely different than we thought it would be, and we realize we truly wanted something else. Or, is a risk worth it when you don't get what you want, but you learn something else about yourself? Or is that just failure in disguise? Or is the risk always worth it?

"If you don't take risks, you'll end up a wasted soul." ~Drew Barrymore

Ok, Ok. Celebrity quotes are lame. I know. I'm a little ashamed to even post that. But this one struck a chord with me.

Sometimes, I feel like I was meant for something more. Sometimes, I feel like I know exactly what step I'm supposed to take next, where I'm supposed to end up, what adventures I'm to take, who I'm supposed to end up with, and what shape my life is to take. Yet, there are so many risks involved to end up on this path. To take that next step I feel is right for me, is huge. It's a huge change, a huge risk and a chance for failing miserably. It's a move, a big move, where I'd have to make a new life for myself. Or to take another step and stay here. That's a risk as well. I'd be missing out on a huge opportunity elsewhere, but at the same time there is something here that I have had dreams about since I was a little kid. So, would moving away mean I would be risking never reaching that dream?

How do we know before we jump if the fall is worth it or not? Sometimes we will have a smooth sailing ride with soft landing. Other times, we will crash and burn. Hardcore. So, before we jump, we weigh our options, try to look at outcomes objectively, and then decide if the fall will be worth it? Or even after arguing both sides, do we really have a chance of predicting our landing? Is it better to make the decision in the moment and pray for the best?

With not working right now, I feel like in some ways I have many more options than I have every had before. I can move. I can find a new job in a different field. I can go back to school without feeling nearly as guilty about leaving work. I can take my life in a totally different direction. But there is a certain amount of risk involved in all of those choices. They all mean leaving things, people, places behind. Is that worth the risk?

Secret

I have a secret.
But I think you know what it is...
It hurts me everyday
But makes me smile all the same.
Do you see it?
Or should I continue to work to keep it?

change

change

"change doesn't happen in your comfort zone."

i find this true. you must push yourself, challenge yourself, and dare to go beyond anywhere you've gone before. stepping outside our comfort zone is how we change and grow. it's how we learn what we are truly capable of. and all that we can do-in life, at work, in relationships-every aspect of our lives. stepping outside our comfort zone is how we learn about who we really are.

so, if you constantly sit in your comfort zone and never take any chances, how do you expect there to ever be change?

Drowning Completely

Drowning Completely

When I start to cry
you start to laugh
We say, "I love you"
then take it all back
You hate me, then
You kiss me
Drowning complete
What to do...

When I say I need to go
You beg me to stay
pull me in
Then push me away
Fragile then careless
bending to break
Drowning completely
Oh what to do
what to do...

Cause it's you
and it's me
drowning completely
it's you and it's me
drowning completely

We fight like it's a sport
make love like the devil
Hold on too tight
But it's too much to handle
You need me, I want you
Both walk away
done completely
Oh what to do
what to do...

Cause it's you
and it's me
Drowning completely
it's you and it's me
drowning completely
you and me
we're
done completely

True Love.

Cheesy, I know. But to me, this song is true love. Matt Nathanson is amazing. His songs are so powerful and true, I wish I'd written them. This is my favorite of his. :)

Illusions
By Matt Nathanson

I believe in your strength
Though I understand you've felt alone
Cause when you need a friend
There's no one strong to fall back on
and your past will still burden you
But I'll hold you through the pain

So in the end it's not just you
with your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
how beautiful you are

I believe in your words and your eyes
And when you speak of your dreams
-I realize
that I will envy whoever you
give your heart to

So in the end it's not just you
with your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
how beautiful you are

And I will never let you fade away
And I want you to know that I love you
for all you are
And all that you will be

So in the end, it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
how beautiful you are

How beautiful you are

you have seen me at my rock bottom,
my absolute worst
you loved me then

now, i want you to see me
at my best

could you love me now, too?

When we were young...

Think back.

I remember, when I was about 5 years old, my family was in Florida staying at my grandparents house. I was lying in bed, crying. My mom came in to see me. I told her, I had dreams to perform. (I was 5 or 6 years old. Why the hell did I use the word 'perform'??) I told her I wanted to put on shows for people and hear them clap at the end. She told me, "You can be whatever you want to be...when you grow up."

I remember I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew she wouldn't let me do what I wanted to do then, as a child. Yet, at the same time, my parents instilled the same belief in me that ALL parents tell their children. The belief that you can be whatever or whomever you want to be when you grow up.

So, as children we have all these dreams. Tons of dreams! I know I sure did.

I remember wanting to write children's books and illustrate them myself. I wrote book after book, and bound them with cardboard covers. Then, I thought I'd be a painter. I destroyed our kitchen table with my acrylics and watercolors. I usually got more paint on the table then the canvas!

Next, I decided I was going to be a teacher. Which was followed by an astronaut. Then, I was going to be an actress. On broadway. Then, I was to be a dancer, and pranced around my house in a tutu my mom made for me. Even though I had never taken dance before in my life and was about as graceful as Bambi, I was convinced I could do it!

Then, I wanted to be a meteorologist. And then I was back to being a writer again. Only this time, I wanted to pen the great American novel and write screenplays on the side. I would then decide I wanted to be a movie producer. Then, for a brief moment in middle school, I thought I wanted to be a pro soccer player. Then I wanted to move to Egypt and study the ancient Egyptians. I had a fascination with Egypt. I still do.

Next, I thought I'd be an architect. I love traveling and studying achritecture. This turned into a dream of going into interior design. Then, a clothing designer.

In high school, I dated a guy who told me I should follow my passion for music. On a trip to Colorado, he and I decided I would be a country singer. Haha. Then, that path turned into a dream to be a songwriter. Songwriting turned into poetry. Me, a poet?! And back into songs again. Through out the years, I filled journal after journal with pages of nonsense, scribbles, words, and sketches. Few made sense to others, some I still don't understand, but those pages were always there for me to get everything out. I still write in a journal regularly. But now, it's not for the hopes of someday publishing it all...no. Now, it's just for a sole purpose of my soul. To clear things out. Whether they make sense or not!

And one of my latest entries, simply stated: "What happens to those dreams we had as children?"

I had dreams. Hopes. As a child, I pictured myself in a certain way when I thought about being an adult. I thought about how I'd look, and what I'd do. Who I'd spend my time with and what type of person I'd be. As a child, I was told I could do anything I wanted and could be anything I wanted to be. And I believed it! I thought that I held the world in the palm of my hand. That anything, and EVERYTHING was possible. I thought that as long as I did what was in my heart, my dreams would all fall into place.

But, as I grew older, sensibility and logic took over my dreams. Doing what was practical took over following passion, and my direction began to float away from all those dreams.

As children, we are taught that anything is possible. Then, somewhere along the way, we shift on to paths to become accountants, teachers, and lawyers. Things that make us prosper and practical. We go to college and study business or science. We no longer hold tight to the dreams we had as children. We graduate, get daily routine jobs, work long hours in jobs we hate, and lose sight of all the things we wanted as a child that made us so bright and hopeful. The things that made us unique. The dreams and hopes that made me, ME.

So, when does it become all about making a living and no longer about what makes us happy? Do we naturally let go of those childish dreams? Or does society condition us to believe that anything and everything really ISN'T possible? Is it symptoms of fairytales gone wrong? Or is it that only a few of us really have the strength to beat the odds and do what truly will make us happy?

Do dreams really come true?

update

Wow. I haven't been on here in a WHILE! Good thing I don't have any followers... :)

Things are changing. Yet, the more they change, the more things all feel the same sometimes. This summer and fall flew by in a whirlwind. In the blink of an eye, months passed and here I am. In the same place I fear to be.

However, things have been good! I said goodbye to an old love that moved on in a hurried pace. I had an old love rekindled, just to burn out all over again. Will it light again?!?

My family is still strewn across the plains, and we lost my grandfather a few weeks ago. It was sad and upsetting, as any death is. But when one has been living confined and uphappy, sometimes it's a step in the right direction when they leave us and move on to a more spiritual world. My grandfather had been severly depressed ever since my grandmother died when I was in high school. The weird thing? They both passed on my dad's birthday. hum. It makes you think a little bit about how we are all connected somehow.

I lost my job in September. About 80 of us were laid off that day. It was rough. We made the best of it, and celebrated that night. "To new beginnings!" we toasted. Yet, I feel stuck. Unable to find work in this city, my optimisim and bright demeanor are starting to fizzle. But I know things will fall into place. They will. THEY WILL!

You, know, sometimes I lie in bed at night and I think to myself. I think, "when you were little is this what you wanted? Is this what you thought life would be like?"

And that brings me to my next post....

ew ew ew.

So, I wrote Missy this morning about my night last night. She thought my story was hilarious and entertaining despite my fear and troubles. Thought I would just pass it on to you all, to bring a smile to your face, and remind you why you should be glad you are not me. :)



A horrible thing happened last night.

I went to bed. I couldn't sleep, and got up to pee. There was something dark on my bathroom floor-I turn the light on. It's a spider bigger than a quarter. OH NO. So, you know me, I'm freaking out. I hate spiders. With a passion. A daddy long leg can on the floor can have me up on the counter, screaming in terror. My friends and family have found this hilarious throughout the years. But mom bought me this HUGE thing of bug killer with a gun on it that you can shoot a bug with from a mile away. So, I go and get it, and put my tennis shoes on. I'm in my underwear and a tank top, so this is a funny sight as is. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in this ridiculous outfit with my frazzled night hair-it's wasn't pretty. It's midnight-remember this. I get back in the bathroom. Even Zoey won't go near this spider. Normally, she chases them and tries to eat them. Weirdo. Why would anything willingly chase a spider?! Anyways, I'm even more freaked because not even Zoey wants to approach this monster. So, I get a safe distance away, plant my feet, take aim, get ready and FIRE!!! I spray the FUCK out of this spider. I mean, this amount of chemical should have killed anything! And to my HORROR, it's a mommy spider. Tons of little freakin creeeeeeepy baby spiders start crawling all over my bathroom floor! TONS OF THEM. And I swear to you, they could smell my fear. I almost fainted I was so freaked out. It was a scene of out a horror film to me. I had tears streaming down my face, and I was screaming at them like a deranged psychopath-"Die fuckers!!! DIE ALL OF YOU! Creepy little bastards!!!!!" After what felt like an hour, I thought I got them all, and I stopped spraying. Then, some of them started to crawl again. So, I fired back up my chemical gun and sprayed again! I eventually sprayed so much of the bug killer that there was puddle covering my entire bathroom floor. I just stood there in a sea of floating spiders. EW. I then had to mop up the whole floor with what seemed like a billion dead spider on it. UGH. Grossesst thing ever! (It still gives me the creeps.) I carefully cleaned it all up (I used about a roll and a half of paper towels)...I had to have it set up perfectly to where my hand never touched one of those little 8 legged bastards...there had to be plenty of towel in between the gross crawler and my hand! Once it was all disposed of and out of my house, I showered. Exhausted, I then, I tried to go back to bed. It's after 1am at this point. I have to be up at 5:30am. Needless to say, however, I was too freaked to sleep. Anytime I shut my eyes, I thought something was crawling on me and I would flail around in my bed!!! Then, I would lay there, and think that any dark spot in my room or any shadow was the spider's family coming for me to get their revenge. Irritated and completely freaked out, I turned on my lights, grabbed my TV, and the movie 27 dresses. I put the movie in thinking it would calm me down enough so I could sleep. Nope. I watched the movie. Twice. Wide awake. Since at this time it was almost 6am anyway, I just got up, showered again, and got ready for work. It sucks because I have a 12 hour day today at work and got zero sleep. I still feel like things are crawling all over me, even though I'm just sitting at my desk at work. I wrote my apartment manager a letter about expecting an exterminator to come to my infested apartment!!! I have to say, this incident was NOT good for my already intensely insane arachnophobia. BLAHHH! Ugh.

Don't ever make children try on clothes in the living room when they are 6 years old while the adults watch the movie Arachnophobia. When they grow up, they will end up like me. I blame you, mom!!! :)

I make mistakes.
I know this, believe me.
And you point them out to me.
But you,
You make mistakes, too.
And I understand.
I'm not perfect,
-neither are you.
And we're not always perfect together.
The smile that creeps on to my face when you around, though?
Now that's perfect!

irritated...with myself.

i have to say, i do try to learn from my mistakes. but sometimes...i really am just a special kind of idiot.

if anyone has actually read this blog, they would know that a few months ago, someone very close to me walked out of life. you know how they say that when one door closes, another one opens? this is very true!

after all that happened, someone from my past reached out to me. i have cared about this person for years, and it was amazing when they popped back in my life. they lifted my heart up, helped me get back on my feet, and really stood by me while i learned how to be myself again. i spent a few weeks with them, and it was the most fun i have had in a really long time! what a great new door that had opened for me!

yet, my dumbass slammed that door shut too. after a few weeks, i made a BIG mistake. this person reached out to me, spilled out their feelings, gave me a chance, and i shut them down. hardcore. after taking some time to sort out my thoughts and feelings, i realized i wanted to take a chance. and once i realized this, i reached out and tried to rectify my mistake. but to them, it no longer mattered. when i slammed that door shut on them, another one opened for them...and they didn't look back to me. not once. :(

i'm so irritated with myself. why can't i ever just go for it? take a chance when it's there in front of me? once again, i hesitated, got scared and let a great opportunity and person slip through the cracks. and i have no one to blame but myself. fucking sucks.

I broke us.

To be honest, I have a pattern. And not a good one...no matter how hard I try not to run, I seem to do it over and over again. I'm doing it now...and no one is stopping me this time.

I BROKE US

I always seem to say the wrong thing
I offend you, and you walk away
A fault, another 'lost one'
Words refuse to become screened in
and blocked from the wind.
I feel like an idiot.
but now I forgot what is was
That I meant to say.
Can't defend my words
out of your or my mouth
Just "a phrase"? Three words really...
no, too many words to say,
or to take away.
They broke me,
and I broke you.
I tore myself away from
the one thing
that meant
everything.




And the worst part is, I love you.